Unaverage Joe

Thought you'd get a kick out of my adventure last night.

I sent this email to a few friends, and they told me to blog it for more to enjoy. I can laugh now, but what happened last night was naaaasty! Check this out:

I have TONS of chicken legs that I got at Costco a few weeks ago. I took them out of the freezer to cook. Man, didn't realize how many there were! There are several pouches stuck together, and you can tear each one apart from the other. I thought there was one leg per partition. When I took them out, no, looks like 2 legs per partition. So now that they're thawed a few hours later, I cut along the perforation, opened up one of the sections, and there were FIVE legs in there! Whoa. So I opened another partition to get 5 more and thought I'll just make fried chicken and nothing fancy. Plus, I make pretty good fried chicken. The problem is, you fry them, and the house reeks for a while. Plus, the very sensitive smoke detector goes off. On all 3 levels cuz they're all connected to each other. So I was gonna do it in the backyard with an electric deep fryer like I did once in the past. Also from Costco, I have a LARGE jug of oil. I walk out to the backyard with the jug of oil and the deep fryer. The outlet is right next to the door, but in front of the outlet is this ceramic cat my Gramma made and gave to me a couple years ago when I was in El Paso. It looks cool cuz people walking by the backyard will think I have a cat. At least I guess that's cool. Anyway, the cat is in front of the electrical outlet, so I pick it up to move it out of the way. I hear a strange "ssssssss" sound. WTF?!?! I got creeped out right away. And it's kinda dark now. Sun set an hour ago (like 9:30PM). I look down by my feet... get ready - THERE WERE A BILLION TRILLION ZILLION BEES!!!!! I friggin dropped everything and ran into the house. Ever see Ferris Buehler's Day Off when his sister runs upstairs after seeing Principal Rooney in the house? That's how I was! After I got myself collected, I turned the outside porch light on and opened the blinds & window next to the door and looked at the nest on the ground. BLECH! Damn, I'm getting the creeps typing this now!!!! Apparently, they were making a bee hive in the hollowed out cat! You can see the honeycomb and everything!!! And all these big fat yellow jacket bumblebees were crawling around. Aaaahhh!!!!! So now my jug of oil & deep fryer were sitting outside next to the bees!!! Forget that. I preheated the oven and heated up some mini-quiche and dino chicken strips. LOL! Now I need to get some bee killer stuff. YUCKY!!!!

And did I mention that I am allergic to bees? One sting, and I could be in the hospital. Or dead.

One thing I hate is when people say: "Just leave them alone, and they won't hurt you unless you bother them." Well, I can state that it is not true! I was minding my own business and was stung on three separate occasions. “What was I doing,” you ask? Well, let’s see - how about… s-l-e-e-p-i-n-g? That’s right. Not harming a soul. Back, many years ago, my Parents went out of town. I had a Halloween party. Many friends came & gone. Some helped to clean up (except for my pumpkins that someone smashed in front of the house). But I was exhausted and just crashed on the sofa in my Parents’ basement. A couple hours later, I felt as if I had a beard and someone was tugging at it hard enough for me to wake up from the pain. Unconsciously, I rubbed my neck, and there was something in my fingers. It kind of made a crunchy sound. I got up, went to the bathroom, and saw it was a bee. Now what did I do to this thing to deserve this? I looked in the mirror, saw a bump similar to a large mosquito bite on my neck, and went to sleep in pain. I woke up the next morning to find that I looked like a bullfrog on steroids. My neck was swollen to the point that it looked like I swallowed a tire. Sideways! After a few days, and a couple bottles of pink Caladryl, it went away.

Fast forward several years into the future. I’m in bed in my Parents’ basement again. You guessed it – it was like osama’s beard was on my face again, and Rumsfeld was tugging at it. Again, my hand went to my neck, and AGAIN, I felt that same crunchy feeling. I shot right up, went to the same bathroom, and it was déjà vu all over. I woke up, saw that my neck looked like Shrek’s, and called in sick to my new job. That was embarrassing. “I can’t come in, because a bee stung me in my neck.” The next day the swelling went down some, and I went to work. My boss was surprised at how swollen it was. I told her it’s much better than the day before when my neck resembled a flesh-colored Oscar Mayer Weiner-Mobile. The next day, Friday, I was stung again. This time on my ass. I had a third butt cheek for the rest of that weekend. My Father got the hint and did something about it. He found that bees were nesting on the side of the house. Guess where? Right where my room was. Surprise, surprise.

posted by Unaverage Joe @ 12:07 AM